Skip to main content

The Great Hindutva Chutiya Caper: A Satirical Stroll Through the Saffron Shenanigans


 By Mohan Dutta, Self-Appointed Chronicler of the Absurdity of Hindutva uncles

[Disclaimer: This piece is satire. If you find your BP climbing while reading this piece, please forward this to 10 people to restore your karma. Or just have a samosa and relax.]

Alright, folks, buckle up for a wild ride through the land of saffron flags, WhatsApp forwards, and the ever-elusive “Hindutva chutiya.” 

Now, before you clutch your pearls or your sacred threads, let me clarify: this is a tongue-in-cheek jab at the absurdities that sometimes parade under the banner of ideology. No cows were harmed in the writing of this blog, but a few egos might get a gentle nudge.

So, what’s a “Hindutva chutiya,” you ask? 

Picture this: a guy (it’s usually a guy, let’s be real) who’s watched one too many YouTube videos titled “India Was a Superpower Before Aliens Invented Taxes.” He’s got a WhatsApp University PhD in revisionist history, a tilak the size of a small planet on his forehead, and an unshakable belief that everything from Wi-Fi to quantum physics was invented in Vedic times. 


This, my friends, is the Hindutva chutiya—a caricature of misplaced zeal, armed with a smartphone and a mission to “reclaim” a past that only exists in badly edited memes.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Hindutva, as a political and cultural ideology, has its roots in dangerous fascist ideas about identity, culture, purity, nationhood, and pride. The chutiya version is a mimicry of this hateful ideology that plays out on digital platforms. It’s a whole circus already, replete with its jokers who compete with each other on their patriotic zeal. 

It’s the guy who thinks “Make India Great Again” means banning pizza because it’s “foreign” while conveniently forgetting that his favorite chai was introduced by the British. It’s the uncle who forwards you a 47-page PDF proving the Taj Mahal was actually a Shiva temple, but can’t find his own Aadhaar card. It’s the keyboard warrior who types “Jai Shri Ram” in all caps but cries foul when you point out his spelling errors.



Let’s take a moment to appreciate the sheer creativity of the Hindutva chutiya ecosystem. These folks have turned history into a choose-your-own-adventure novel. Did you know the Pyramids were built by Vedic architects on a gap year? 

Or that Einstein stole E=MC² from a palm leaf in Varanasi? 

I mean, forget peer-reviewed journals—give me a grainy Instagram post with Comic Sans text, and I’m sold! The Chutiya has an entire universe of historians that mint their money to the bank while spouting garbage about a glorious past.

The chutiya doesn’t just rewrite history; he bedazzles it with glitter and calls it “decolonization.”


But here’s where it gets truly hilarious: the Hindutva chutiya’s obsession with purity. He’ll scream about “protecting Indian culture” while sipping a Starbucks latte and wearing Adidas sneakers. 

He’ll demand a return to “traditional values” but won’t bat an eye at his kids binge-watching Netflix. It’s like watching someone do mental gymnastics while riding a unicycle and juggling flaming torches—impressive, but you’re just waiting for the crash.

 And oh, the WhatsApp forwards. If I had a rupee for every “NASA CONFIRMS VIMANAS WERE REAL” message I’ve received, I’d be retiring in Mars. These forwards are the lifeblood of the chutiya-verse, spreading faster than fake news about 5G causing baldness. They come with blurry images of “ancient Indian spaceships” (usually a poorly Photoshopped diya) and end with “Forward to 10 people or your Wi-Fi will stop working.” Pro tip: if your ideology needs a chain message to survive, maybe it’s time for a rebrand.

Now, let’s talk about the chutiya’s natural habitat: social media. X is their Colosseum, where they battle “libtards,” “sickulars,” and anyone who dares suggest that history might be more complicated than a Bollywood blockbuster. Armed with hashtags like #BharatMataKiJai and profile pics of a muscular Hanuman wielding an AK-47, they’re ready to defend the nation from… well, logic, mostly. The irony? They’ll call you anti-national for eating beef but won’t mention the time they got drunk at a cousin’s wedding and danced to “Baby Shark.”

 So, what’s the harm, you say? It’s just a few overzealous folks having fun, right? 

Well, sure, until the chutiya energy spills over into real life. Suddenly, you’ve got vigilante squads checking your lunchbox for “suspicious” meat or moral police deciding your skirt is an affront to 5,000 years of culture. The Hindutva chutiya doesn’t just live in a bubble—they want to force everyone else into it, too. And that’s where the laughter starts to fade.

So, what’s the antidote to this chutiya-pocalypse? A good dose of humor, for starters. Laugh at the absurdity. Question the WhatsApp forwards. And maybe, just maybe, remind these folks that being proud of your culture doesn’t mean you have to rewrite the laws of physics or ban biryani. 

India’s greatness doesn’t need fake PDFs or Photoshopped vimanas—it’s in the chaos, the diversity, and yes, even the occasional chutiya who makes us roll our eyes and keep scrolling.

These days, the Hindutva chutiya is your usual IIT grad, your IIM MBA, your techie Director in an outsourcing firm. 

The fancy degrees are not an antidote to the Chutiya's idiocy, they are the testimony to it.

Signing off with a chai in one hand and a sense of irony in the other. 

Jai Hind, but maybe chill with the WhatsApp, yeah?

 


Popular posts from this blog

The whiteness of binaries that erase the Global South: On Communicative Inversions and the invitation to Vijay Prashad in Aotearoa

When I learned through my activist networks that the public intellectual Vijay Prashad was coming to Aotearoa, I was filled with joy. In my early years in the U.S., when learning the basics of the struggle against the fascist forces of Hindutva, I came in conversation with Vijay's work. Two of his critical interventions, the book, The Karma of Brown Folk , and the journal article " The protean forms of Yankee Hindutva " co-authored with Biju Matthew and published in Ethnic and Racial Studies shaped my early activism. These pieces of work are core readings in understanding the workings of Hindutva fascism and how it mobilizes cultural tropes to serve fascist agendas. Much later, I felt overjoyed learning about his West Bengal roots and his actual commitment to the politics of the Left, reflected in the organising of the Communist Party of India (Marxist), a political register that shaped much of my earliest lessons around Global South resistance, collectivization, and orga...
Read more

Whiteness, NCA, and Distinguished Scholars

In a post made in response to the changes to how my discipline operates made by the Executive Committee of the largest organization of the discipline, the National Communication Association (NCA), one of the editors of a disciplinary journal Rhetoric and Public Affairs (RPA), Professor Martin J. Medhurst, a Distinguished Scholar of the discipline, calls out what he sees as the threat of identity (see below for his full piece published in the journal that he has edited for 20+ years, with 2019 SJR score of 0.27). In what he notes is a threat to the "scholarly merit" of the discipline, Professor Medhurst sets up a caricature of what he calls "identity." In his rhetorical construction of the struggles the NCA has faced over the years to find Distinguished Scholars of colour, he shares with us the facts. So let's look at the facts presented by this rhetor. It turns out, as a member of the Distinguished Scholar community of the NCA, Mr. Medhurst has problems wit...
Read more

Upper caste Indian women in the diaspora, DEI, and the politics of hate

Figure 1: Trump, Vance and their partners responding to the remarks by Mariann Edgar Budde   Emergent from the struggles of the civil rights movement , led by African Americans , organized against the oppressive history of settler colonialism and slavery that forms the backbone of US society, structures around diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) formed an integral role in forging spaces for diverse recognition and representation.  These struggles around affirmative action, diversity, equity and inclusion were at the heart of the changes to white only immigration policies, building pathways for migration of diverse peoples from the Global South.  The changes to the immigration policies created opportunities for Indians to migrate to the US, with a rise of Indian immigration into the US since the 1970s into educational institutions, research and development infrastructures, and technology-finance infrastructures. These migratory structures into the US were leveraged by l...
Read more